Modern dating etiquette for grown-ups

Created this one after so many bad experiences at dating, gonna send it to the man I last saw.

Modern dating culture is just rubbish, the market is full of immature people looking to waste people’s time.

Beef on Netflix – and the mental health portrayal

I’ve finished watching this show last night (or at 1 am this morning) and Wow! What a show. Not only it portrays the issue of mental health (depression) really well and accurate, it has many metaphors too. Before delving into what I’ve picked up from the series, a huge shout out to Ali Wong and Steven Yeun for their wonderful emotional acting ranges, they have portrayed the characters so so well. I really liked how Amy shows so much pain not through tears but through her stern facial expression and blinks. In fact, I think Amy character is based on Ali Wong’s real life (the breadwinner of the family, her divorce, her young adult sex life, the pressure of success and putting a all-is-good face to the world, etc).

Anyway, here’s what I have picked up from this series:

1. Depression: they depict this issue in a very authentic way, not just ‘feeling sad’, but all the actions and the way of thinking of one’s going through it. The metaphor of the ‘ground’ image is really true, the saying ‘it’s empty but feels solid’, ‘something in my chest’ are also so true, and once scene really sticks out to me is the tunnel scene at the end of the series.

When I was going through my depression on 2 episodes: 1 during my early teen, and 1 during my early 20s, the feeling I had was like this: emptiness but suffocation, it felt like I was being buried under the ground alive, like being trapped in a coffin, but staying alive; and felt like I was walking along an endless dark tunnel without the sight of light, but I knew I had to keep walking because I believe that there will be light at the end of it, someday.

And the scene above showed just that, Amy and Danny found their light.

There are multiple ways of interpret these 2 characters, Ali Wong says it’s open for interpretation. For me, one character symbolizes the other’s depression. Amy represents Danny’s depression, something that he hates, it causes so much issues in his life, wants it to end, but he has to ‘carry’ it (final episode), and vice versa, Danny represents Amy’s depression, her trigger points, her struggle without being able to communicate it to others as none would understand, she puts on a brave face to the world, and deals with it in a toxic way inside, she battles with it alone, then her ‘depression’ is shot as she is walking towards the light of the tunnel, representing the end of her depression. Final scene shows 2 of them embracing as it shows the acknowledgement of the issue, the consequences of the mental health if left unchecked, and the way moving forward. When I got out from my depression, my head and heart felt so much lighter, it was the worst thing and also the best thing that ever happened to me, I got out of the other side so much stronger and since then believed I could tackle anything in life as the worst was over. This scene seems to say that.

Another thing in the series that I like is that they tell a story where everyone involved has some sort of insecurities, doubts, or mental health issues their own, and not just the 2 main characters. Sometimes throughout the series, it was difficult to watch for me, not because of any cringy scene or anything, but because it was so real, it felt heavy at time if you place yourself in the character’s shoes, but I’m glad I finished the series.

2. Childhood trauma: The movie addresses this topic which is often not discussed a lot, childhood trauma can have a lasting effect on a person into adulthood. I am glad that this movie brings this topic into light.

3. Growing up in an Asian household: love is not expressed openly in a typical Asian household, and thus the child feels unloved, or does not receive sufficient care and attention. The movie articulates this very well. Amy tells her dad that he didn’t even want her, but another scene showing how loving the parents were towards her when she was a kid, showing otherwise.

Where my parents didn’t know better how to raise kids, and thus put a lot of pressure on me and did not stay true to their words most of the time. I felt unloved, stressful, pressured, and at 2 points reached the bottom (painful memories) and I was so glad I left Vietnam to go to Singapore for education, a break free. I’ve come pass the past now, and do not let it affect me, but now and then when I reflect back to my childhood, I just want to go back in time and give the little me a hug and told her ‘Everything will be alright’.

4. American culture:

• Gun
• Status
• Consumerism
• Pressure to succeed

This is more applicable to Amy than Danny, despite her inner struggle, she has to ‘have it all’. In some way being an Asian child, similar pressure is also applied to succeed in life otherwise you would be ’embarrassed’ when compared with others. It’s such a silly thing, people are chasing the materials, and it makes me feel cozier with my life in Amsterdam, it’s ‘gezellig’.

I like this series, and would recommend anyone who wants to learn about mental health and depression to watch it.

Avoidance, confrontation and people behaviour, etc

I posted this pic on social media a while ago, which is a mural in the Jewish quarter in Krakow and talked about its contrast mood with the place I visited the day before: Auschwitz . I briefly talked about the crime there and recommended people to pay a visit if they have a chance.

Through out all my years in social media, I’ve noticed a pattern that, if I share a post about my travel, a scenery, a food scene, or anything with a light-hearted caption, that post would get a lot of ‘likes’ from friends. However, if the topic is a bit more sensitive like gender equality, wars and crimes, human rights, environmental issues, racism, refugee, immigration, history, or my thought and point of view on certain subjects, etc … that post will get almost no ‘likes’ at all, as it Facebook or Instagram decide that won’t show up in my friends’ notification page. We all know they do, just that people who have read it decided not to give a damn about the topic, and that keeps me thinking: what is it that makes people avoid the subject?

My theory:

• Perhaps, social media places like FB or Instagram for them are a place for entertainment and fun stuff, so heavy topic like the above don’t get much attention.
• People have no opinion
• Avoidance
• Fear of confrontation
• Too sensitive to openly discuss on a public place
• No opinion at all
• People don’t give a f***

I do believe people have an opinion on a certain subjects, but tend to avoid discussion on serious topics. This avoidance intrigues me, why do you have to avoid it and not confront it? I do believe each of us has a voice, and by facing and confronting an issue and raising that voice, it will bring out a deeper side of you and showcase your maturity (or not). I do enjoy talking and debating about these serious topics, as these topics are always relevant in the world we live in, yet, when talking to friends or family or colleagues, they will try to change to the topic, or avoid discussing them at all.

I am not asking for ‘likes’ for my post, I am just curious about this side of human behaviour, about the avoidance and fear of confrontation, about serious issues often go silent and things continue like an underground river, you don’t see it in the surface but it’s running. Perhaps if everyone has a voice and are not fearful of raising their voices, and openly discuss about serious issues around the world like injustice, unfairness at a personal level the world would have been a slightly better place.

Just my thoughts.

This song hits home

A song for a rainy day

It’s you by Ali Gatie

It’s you, it’s always you
If I’m ever gonna fall in love I know it’s gon’ be you

It’s you, it’s always you
Met a lot of people, but nobody feels like you

So, please, don’t break my heart
Don’t tear me apart
I know how it starts
Trust me, I’ve been broken before

Don’t break me again
I am delicate
Please, don’t break my heart
Trust me, I’ve been broken before

I’ve been broken, yeah
I know how it feels
To be open
And then find out your love isn’t real

I’m still hurting, yeah
I’m hurting inside
I’m so scared to fall in love
But if it’s you then I’ll try

It’s you, it’s always you
If I’m ever gonna fall in love I know it’s gon’ be you
It’s you, it’s always you
Met a lot of people, but nobody feels like you

So, please, don’t break my heart
Don’t tear me apart
I know how it starts
Trust me, I’ve been broken before
Don’t break me again
I am delicate
Please, don’t break my heart
Trust me, I’ve been broken before

I know I’m not the best at choosing lovers
We both know my past speaks for itself
(For itself)
If you don’t think that we’re right for each other (Baby, no)
Then, please, don’t let history repeat itself

‘Cause I want you (yeah, yeah), I want you (yeah, yeah)
There’s nothing else I want
‘Cause I want you (yeah, yeah), I want you (yeah, yeah)
And you’re the only thing I want

It’s you, it’s always you
If I’m ever gonna fall in love I know it’s gon’ be you
It’s you, it’s always you
Met a lot of people, but nobody feels like you

So, please, don’t break my heart
Don’t tear me apart
I know how it starts
Trust me, I’ve been broken before
Don’t break me again
I am delicate
Please, don’t break my heart
Trust me, I’ve been broken before

‘Cause I want you, baby I want you
Baby, I want you, baby I want you
Baby, I want you, baby I want you
Baby, I want you, you, you

‘Cause I want you, baby I want you
Baby, I want you, baby I want you
Baby, I want you, baby I want you
Baby, I want you, you, you

---

Anne with an E (and Gilbert)

I’ve been watching a lovely series ‘Anne with an E’ on Netflix, and there’s one episode that stood out for me, it’s Episode 6, season 3.

The whole series have been very relatable, but this episode stands out as if it is describing my life at the moment. The attached music video brought tears to my eyes.

Good thing is (spoiler alert), the series ends with a beautiful happy ending whereas my life feels like it has been standing still at episode 6 for a while now.

Who knows what the future holds.

2020 will be my year of learning and happiness

Wow, 2020 is almost here!

And it means I am turning 30 this year. oooohhh(shit) !

30… the big Three-O that all women in late 20s have been dreading is finally around the corner for me, and according to the Asian standard, I will soon be placed into the ‘left-over’ category (Left-over means 30yo and still single – female only).

I wish I could turn back to be 26 again, I think I’ve been enjoying life, all the travels and adventures too much that I almost forgot that I am getting old. Well, I still feel young at heart, that’s the main thing, doesn’t matter what my passport says.

When I go home this year, a lot of people at home will make many comments for sure (which I hate). But you know what, (and surprisingly), I am ready for 2020 and looking forward to it with the most positive attitude ever.

30 and still single, so what?

Here’s my thought:

Being around 30 and having a relationship/being married/having children, according to my opinion, is a social standard/expectation. The keyword here is ‘expectation’. But whose expectation? Society. Who is society? The mass, the people out there, whether they are in your family and friends circle, or complete strangers, whether they are in your neighbourhood or halfway across the globe. They are out there, their actions and lives are also shaped, formed and influenced by ‘society’ surrounded them, and a lot of us have to live up to the social standards, just because it is a social standard/expectation, and because they were taught that way, were told that way.

Detaching from this social norm for a second and just looking at myself, I ask myself why I have to live up to this expectation that others have set. Why would I let my life be another photocopy of another average female person? Why can’t I be different? Why can’t I be single and happy? Why do I have to get married before 30? What’s wrong with not wanting children now? What’s wrong with being single? Is it in the law that say women must get married or be in a relationship in their lives? Does life have a formula that everyone needs to follow? I would like to throw all of these questions back to ‘society’, as this expectation has put some unnecessary pressure on women that we have to conform.

Having spilling my thoughts in the above paragraphs, I can say I am no longer feeling the pressure of being labeled the ‘left-over’, because this left-over has a very high standard in life and the choice of partner. I’d rather be single rather than get into a ‘relationship’ for the sake of meeting some ‘social standard’. Period.

So, plans for 2020 ?

2020 is going to be great!

• Getting a boyfriend is not the number one priority, what is supposed to come will come, I no longer feel the rush to be with one. I am busy and I am happy.
• 2020 will be the year of learning. I have said before: Be the best version of myself first and let the Universe take care of the rest. I’ve achieved some new skills in 2019, and I would like to continue making 2020 the year of personal and professional developments, learn new things, doesn’t matter what it is, learn and try new thing.
• Things that I would like to learn this year: Dutch (let’s get serious with this), Python (let pursue this career path), Scuba diving (now that I’m comfortable in the water), anything that starts with sk (skiing, skating, sky-diving).
• Take up new hobbies: maybe arts, music, books, home improvements. Basically, I will try not to be a lazy ass and a couch potato. Maybe do a refresh driving course on the right side of the road so that I can do road trip too.
• Stick to the fitness regime.
• Get some beauty fixes: some visits to the dentists and orthodontist maybe
• Travel and create memory: I need to start documenting all my travels properly now so that in the future I can look back and know where I have been to. At the moment, I travelled too much and the memory is a bit blurred and I couldn’t recall where I’ve been to, which I think it is meaningless. 2020 I will travel less but my trips will be more meaningful.
• Being happy and living in the moment. Ignore the naysayers, be a positive person (as always), look at life with an optimistic outlook (as always), continue being myself and thrive to be a better version of myself, do not worry about the past nor the future, just enjoy this very moment and experience all of it.

 

So close yet so far

Feeling artistic and creative today so I penned a poem.

So close yet so far 

(boy)

Standing in a corner, watching you from afar

Everything I’ve ever wanted, but I couldn’t have

Your eyes, your smile, your little jokes

Once stirred the butterflies in me, now bringing heartache

—

Hey boy I had done this once before

Confessed to a boy,  expected a love back

Just like the last time, love turned its back

But why the hell it hurts a lot more than before

—

Every passing day I hope we would hold hands

Every passing night I wish you would lay in my bed

But boy, are these just things in my head

Only exist in my Universe and not yours?

—

I know I made a fool of myself and I regret it

Giving away my heart, didn’t expect that it was that fragile

I didn’t know the answer, and dared not to ask

And living in the unknown is really not easy

—

Months have passed but I’m still holding on to a slim hope

That you would change and confess to me one day

The hope I know that is so far-fetched

But I keep dreaming about it anyway

—

Logic says it is time to let it pass

Stars not aligned, why let time be wasted

Let focus on being the best version of myself first

And let the Universe take care of the remaining

—

Sound easy right? but it’s harder said than acted

Seeing you everyday makes my heart ache

Still that smile, those eyes and those little messages

Still those butterflies, sleepless nights and those longings

—

I tried to stay away from you as far as I could

I took trips just to escape from the reality

Needed to create space for this broken heart to be mended

Time is the best medicine as someone said

—

I will try to get over this crush

Putting your image behind my mind

Thank YOU for waking up my sleepy heart

To let me know that I can love after all

—

But I will steal a glance at you whenever I could

To remind me that this human still has feelings

To know that you were once everything that I wanted

You are so close yet so far, boy …

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Names

I’m bad with names in general, fact. But my goldfish memory has reached its pinnacle these days when I couldn’t recall my flatmate’s name. Yes we’ve been living in the same flat for 4 (freaking) months , also yes we’ve been talking to each other every second day or so (without calling each other’s name, maybe that’s why).

And now I can’t remember her name. It’s a blank in my head. I know that her name contains a letter ‘A’, could it be Sarah, could it be Eva, or Stephanie, or Emma, or Mariah ? Which one sounds the most Spanish to you? It’s now too embarrassing to ask. This morning I believed it was Sarah, but now Mariah sounds a bit more Spanish. Should I go with Mariah instead? 

I saw her Linkedin profile 2 days ago, and I ignored, now I can’t search for it  (see, even Linkedin knows her name and suggested me to connect)

Is it one of the symptoms post 25? early sign of amnesia?
Next time if you run into me and find me stare at you blankly, not because I’m in love with you, it’s just that my brain is trying to scan your face and match it with a name that I come up with. Please spare my embarrassment and reach out ‘re’-introducing yourself.

Also I sometimes can’t remember if I introduced myself to others as ‘Hayley’ or ‘Ha’, why would I even use 2 names? I think everyone should wear shirt with their names sewn on it, like elementary school kids, that would be helpful.